Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
When we spoke on the phone this am, you know while you were sitting at your desk. The one with the beautiful, marble top, kinda like i wanted for my kitchen counter tops, but we couldn't afford at the time. :(  What i was trying to say , as you sat in your nice, new, cushy, EXPENSIVE office, with adjoining kitchen, and bathroom...full of quietness, and no prying eyes. Is this...When i need you, i just close my eyes and I'm with you..and all that I so wanna give you..Is a BIG ass sucker punch to the gut. I wasn't trying to bitch, I was trying to get you to make me feel better! I couldn't vent on my friends, i use them for when i am pissed at you...i don't wanna wear them out, ya know? At one time you had this cute way of talking, you got the better of me, just snap your fingers and i was like a dog hanging on your knee...You made me feel like dancing.. If your spawn pisses me off, then you will hear it! That is the CREED! You will hear he missed the bus again, because he argued for ten minutes with me, that he was going to. In those ten minutes, he could of got ready and made the bus! Oh yea, i forgot to tell you, he left his football gear at home AGAIN, and now i have to take it to the school. I don't know if you were paying attention, or maybe not, because you had a headache last night, and i was a bother to you!I told him he had to be on time, because i had to much going on in the morning. My morning was fun, yesterday Savannnah and I painted Gourdes to look like ghosts, We made one to represent each one of the family. Savannah said to Zach. "Look Zach, that one is you..It looks like you! He took the gourde, put it next to his crotch, and he said in a rough voice, "You bet it does baby!" It seriously did look like a big penis, but that wasn't the point! It was picture day, he hurt her feelings..her eyes were red, from crying! Remember my day yesterday, when my washer wouldn't go through the spin cycle, and you found me sitting on it, as i googled how to remedy the problem? The first thing that came up was, Calypso, Whirlpool washers have problems, call a repair man. Then i look back and see...Oh hell that is what we have. Then i threw myself to the ground screaming. " I wanna work at the Burger King, and never have any stress. I want a BeeeR,BeeeR .. BeeeR!" Then i put my hands on the washing machine to lift myself off the ground. Then the lid, came down and slammed my fingers. I didn't even cry... i just drank my not so cold beeeR, because the fridge is not that cold. Remember...You bitched last night, because the icecream i brought up to you, was the consistancy of baby shit? How you knew what baby shit looks like is beyond me, did you ever change a shitty diaper?  Oh by the way, sorry for bothering you when i hopped into bed at 6:10am. I just got back from dropping Molly off from Cheer practice. I was going to run the coach over, she walked in front of my vehicle, so i wouldn't be bothered again, but i knew it would be inconvenient to have you come bail me out of jail. You are always on my mind!! I just want to let you know, """my problems are your problems!!""" You don't get out of parenting free card for the day, because you work full time, and you chose to open another business in another town. I would be happy to go to a full time job, if you wanna sit with these kids. Oh and last night, when you said. "Leave it alone, don't touch it...it is sleeping." I was smacking the damn thing out of my way, it was poking me! Get on board...or i am on strike!! Tomorrow, i am not doing a damn thing. Oh yea, i am getting my nails done, and packing my bags! Have fun this weekend when i am at my convention... Don't call if you have any problems. 
Love your Wife


PS. If you come home and ask again. "What did you do all day?" You will be introduced, to the washer lid coming down on your fingers! xoxo

I Pee Glitter!!

I go pee a lot, i mean A LOT. Friends can attest, to this statement. When Savannah and I got to Target the other day, i had an "I GOTTA GO MOMENT" We go in to the bathroom, it smells like the foulest odor...nature could come up with. I take Savannah in the big stall, with me, because i do not know... what kind of creature that odor came out of. While i was peeing, the occupant of the next stall was farting. Every time she farted...she coughed. As if the cough could hide the loud ruckus.. that was exploding out of her ass. I think NOT..... my farting, bathroom neighbor! Savannah says out loud. "Mommy, does she think we can't hear her?" I say "shhh!" Then I bite my lip, because any second..'Imma going to lose it!' This is a new, way to pee yourself laughing peeps! I try to finish up, my side is splitting, as I am trying to pee, and not laugh..try it sometimes! It takes talent. The lady goes on with her chorus of  toots, crop dusting, and trumpet sounds. Then the recurring coughs. Savannah says. " Mommy, I feel like I am at a fart opera!" I want out of that bathroom as quick as possible, i feel embarrassed over, Minitards conversation. I wipe, stand up, and Savannah screams. " Mommy, Mommy!!!! your pee is the color of pickle juice, are you going to die?" Thank you GNC for the vitamins, that scare my child. I say. " Mommy ate a whole jar of pickles, before we left home. You should try it...Everyone who is cool...is doing it. I wash my hands, because my daughter reminds me loudly. I say. " Because the sign says workers have to...doesn't mean i do!" I whine loudly in protest! Thank gawd we got out of that bathroom alive. Today when Savannah got home, i had a plan. I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and spilled a bottle of pink glitter in the toilet. I screamed in panic mode. "Savannah, Savannah!! My pee...look!" She looks down and says. "What the heck mom, there is glitter in the potty, what did you eat now?"  I say... "I ate a unicorn!" :)

Mondays, Mondays...ThEy cAn TAke mE AwAy

Monday, Monday...Are you kidding me? I didnt sleep well last night, because Charlies surgery for his ballsectomy was this morning. I didn't get this upset when my husband got his, I kinda had a grin on my face, and a spring in my step for Rick's! My morning started out with Molly barging in, and asking for a dollar. When i gave her one she said. "A dollar isnt really enough, i need something to go with it." sigh... Two seconds later, she ran back up and said. " Your organic lettuce smells fried, and the milk is hot!"First thing i thought of is my blueberry beer...NOOOO! Wait, it can recool. phew.. Molly goes on to whine.. "I think the fridgerator, is broke." My husband went down there and said. "Call someone." I say. "I dont have time to call someone!" I explain to him, the fridge is just a box, the freezer is what makes the fridgerator, cool. If the freezer is working, then we are good. If the lettuce is fried, it is the bulbs. The lettuce looks like the plants i forget to water, and they scorch out in the summer sun. He repeats. "Call someone..i remove the lightbulbs, and tie a flashlight to the handle..FIXED! This refridgerator isnt a harvest yellow model, from 1970. It is from two years ago, why is there a problem? I get Charlie ready to leave, have Savannah half way out the door. Eric, 20 yells. " Operation ball saver Charlie...escape!! " We make it out the door, Charlie is so excited...CAR,CAR, DriveThru windows, CAR! We make it to the vet pet hospital, and i get a text. Molly: 4got my cheerleading bow..it is raped around my light post! <---she got an A in spelling? sigh..I get in the door,of the vet, there is a big fluffy cat. Charlie is excited... he tries to jump up, to get a mouth of cat fur. He misses thank Gawd! We start to go over paperwork, and animals begin to howl. Charlie gets nervous, and jumps in my lap and shakes, which makes me worse! I am filling out the papers. TEXT  Molly: Forgot my cheer shoes too! Thanx!sigh.. Fill out more papers TEXT Eric: Operation ball saver is in effect. Run Charlie Run! Im in the parking lot! sigh... The dog is at this point shaking like a crack ho, who hasn't had her morning fix, he has his green bunny, hanging by one ear out of his mouth. The lady ask's about his previous immunizations, i have her call his other vet, they wouldnt let me have Charlie home till tomorrow, this place is letting me have him back at 15:00 . I need Charlie, and he needs me. I am an EMT. I am sure i can handle this after procedure, deal. The other vets only stop in a few times at night. Charlie will have his own medical care on the spot. 24/7. I really dont know much about dog health care, but some of my past patients.. acted like animals.It all works out! The lady gets the other vet office, on the phone. She asks about Charlie Wilkinson. She looks at me, and asks. " Is 'she' a cocker spaniel, or a poddle?" I say 'He' is a cocker, will you be doing the operation?" She says. "NO" I sigh with relief. TEXT5: Zach. I left my pads and uniform at home. Sigh... Text6: and helmot! <=== does not get an A in spelling. double sigh... The lady at the desk goes over all these extra things, and shots they require. She asks if i want blood work drawn. if i say no..i look like i dont care, and i am a bad mom. I say yes, and the lady tallys up more $$ in her head! She smiles. Then she offers me a pain med package for recovery, I say. " yes, and can you throw in a little extra for Charlie?" Text 7: Noah ( home because he has bumped his head hard yesterday. Really hard!) Mom, the milk was left out, it is hot!! Text From Me: Sweet Hell i will bring mcDonalds home for you, will explain later. I find myself in McDonalds parking lot, looking at Charlies pain meds...Hmmmm? I remember the dangers of drugs, and think i deal with that when i get home. I get Noahs food, order me up a big ass coke, that i dont  usually, let myself have. I get home, i hear the angels sing!!! I am closer to my hot tub, and a mommy's helper. I jump down from my jeep, that has the stupid suspension kit, on it that is unrealistic for a little 5'4 girl. As i jump with a large coke and a bag of food, my much to big jeans from last winter, slides down off my silky, underwear,and goes to my knees. The phone rings...The lady at the vet says. "We cant find his microchip!" Considering he doesnt have one, i would quit looking. She says. "For fourty more dollars... Ca-ching!! The surgery was suppose to be $120.00. sigh... Is today going to get better?

The Full mOOn Came Out Early!

Tonight i wanted a little fun time, with Rick, and the kids. I felt like crap, and maybe the hot tub, with three beers wasn't a good idea, mainly, because two usually does me in. We are very excited to have a working hot tub again. The stereo, and the TV started working by themselves! Well, i helped!! I kicked them and called them names, it is a secret from the redhead creed. Kick shit, cuss, and it works!Don't tell, cuz that would be secrets from my club.We collected a new redhead boy today, i dont remember his name. We shall call him ginger snap 8. I tell him i am glad to meet him, and welcome him to the realm of the redheads, my secret club. Don't go telling people about it. I am always surrounded by blondish people, and it can be hard. Ginger kids, spread like bunnies around these parts. Sometimes they belong with the twins, but mostly Molly. She has a thing for redhead boys.Someday, i might get a redhead grandchild, hopefully not soon. I think i have scared the fear of children, in the older kids, since these last four have been little jackholes. Since Molly got McLovin she told me. " Mom, i understand the devastation of teen pregnancy. I have had the Lizard, one day...and he is kicking my butt, i dont think i can take care of him, I am too young to be a Lizard mom." I got pissed and yelled! "Too bad, you committed, now you have to pay!" "Next time leave your cage doors shut!" She looked at me like i was nuts, and said "Geeze ok!"  Each one of the kids, had a friend over tonight. After several rounds of WII Dance Party, eating, getting in the hot tub, then making somores. Everyone went in, and left me with a roaring fire, and a big mess. I went upstairs, took my swimming suit off, and put on a white t-shirt, no bra, and a short billowy, skirt. My body was still wet, so i didn't bother putting panties on. Maybe TMI.. I am sorry. It is dark on the patio, i figured .. no one would know. I turned the lights off on the hot tub, turned the heat down, and shut it down. The song i hate, hate, hate came on. Adam Whats his name " What do you want from me" but as i picked up the mess, the song sounded fitting, so i left it on. I went on and picked up the papers, threw them in the fire pit, Started collecting dishes, and put them on a platter. I Took the recyclables to the bins. I noticed next to the fire, someone left the Hershey bars, so i bent down to pick them up. What happens...you ask? My damn skirt touched the fire, and it started to burn. which is stupid, because i watched the kids like hawks around it, and now here i am. Being irresponsible.I pull the skirt down, jumped out of it, and start doing this "Oh my god i am on fire dance! I pick it up, and then throw it in the fire. Charlie starts barking like a maniac, i try to shut him up, because i remember... i dont have panties on, and I dont want the kids, and their friends seeing my naked, bum. I search for something, anything, as this small dog follows me around barking, like he is nuts! I find someones stray towel, wrap it around my waist, thinking i could get away with the ignorance of it all. I pick up the tray full of plastic cups, full of pop, and kool aid. I go to the door, walk in and realize...damn windex is good stuff. BOOM! Someone shut the door on me. Let me remind you, if i would of begged them to shut the door, they would of forgot. I spilled the pop allover me. my hair was soaked, and i looked like i was in a wet t-shirt contest, and i really, really won. So 
the kids come running,  Looking like a big dummy, with this stupid little dog still barking. I am still holding on to the tray, trying to hide my wet see thru t-shirt. Then i feel a pull on my towel. Charlie is tugging on the back...i let go of the tray instinctively, so i can hold the towel up, and boom dishes everywhere!! At least no one seen my  bum! Moral of the story... I dont think there was anything moral about it. My face is still red.. Maybe it would be safer, if you kept your children far away from this house! Just sayin'

A Little Glimpse Into The Future Of This Blog

 Hello Everyone,  Just a quick blog to let you know what is going on. The kids are back in school, which is awesome for me. Zach is playing football for Streator High, Molly is Cheering for Junior High, Savannah wants to go back to gymnastics, and Noah wants to join the wrestling team. Eric 20, is working for Caterpillar full time, and he is going back to school, to finish his Criminal Justice Degree. The beginning of the school year will be bringing major drama...for Savannah, that we all can chuckle about.When we walked to school, on orientation, she started rambling about, something that made her upset ,on the playground, in kindergarten. Seriously, lets move on kid! I will be going back to the gym tomorrow, and having some me time.I also plan on blogging daily, it cleanses my soul. Getting the house back into shape, and having some quiet time. I am very excited about the Fall, and of course Halloween. My favorite time of the year. I plan on decorating the house, the beginning of September, otherwise i miss the October fun. I also plan on blogging on different, darker things that i find interesting. Maybe start that in September. When i blogged a few years back, a lot of people seemed to like it. I have blogs on Victorian Death Customs, Mummified Mysteries, Haunted Places, Real Experiences, Ghost Stories, Morgue Stories from my Internship, Real Haunting Experiences, Gypsy customs, spell work, witch boards, witchcraft, Etc. When i blogged before, these were main focuses on my blog, so i will be glad to bring some of the stories back... staring September 1st! I just dont have the same audience, i had at one time... so lets just see how it goes. Since my Blog is suppose to be magical...I would also like to add a little magic in my blogs. I understand some people are very religious, or dont believe so, if it offends you...SORRY!. Don't read the end of my blogs. When it comes to magic, i use simple things.. All Magic is, to me... is positive energy, and prayer, using props...to get you in magic/ positive mode..to manifest what you want! I would like to share simple things, you are able to do...with no experience, with things you have in your kitchen drawer. Everyone has a little witch, or warlock in them..unlock the power! If i find that people are interested in my magic spell work. I may do a separate blog, so if you are looking for a spell...You would have an easier chance to find...what you are looking for. Please give me your input, so i can see where we are going with this.If you have a request, of magic. Hit my inbox!
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                           To Remove A Problem

                                                         
This is an old Romanian Gypsy Spell.Write your problem on the sole of an old shoe, put the shoe on, stomp on the problem 3 times, then take the shoe off, and throw it, into a fire. As you watch the shoe go up into flames, envision your problem.....burning and disappearing! Walk away knowing... your problem will be leaving you! The main part of any spell is, to believe, and to concentrate on the thought... that the problem has already left.

God, Burnt Chili, and The Fight Club! ( If you get religiously offended, skip this one!)

Savannah is a Drama Queen. She talks, and talks, and we could go on forever. Sometimes she wakes me up, to tell me something that happened last year on the playground. Savannah and her friend just started a new club. It is called the Kiwi club.The club has many, many rules. I hear the rules so many times a day, my head is like a bobble head doll. She asked me if i had a club when i was a little girl. I said, " Yes, the Fight Club and the number one rule of the club was...don't talk about the club, and i think your club should have the same policy!" Savannah has requested the privilege of  going to Vacation Bible School again this year.She goes with her, adopted Grandma, a woman who has been in my life since i was a baby. She is like a grandma to my children. She has her own grand kids, but they live far away. So, i let her take my kids for a spin. Savannah asked me to go see her perform in the "Bible" program again this year. I have to think of a logical reason, why i can't, because i am not going through that shit again. Last year i went and it smelled like old lady ass, burnt chili, and feet. Zach asked me how i knew what these things smelled like. My answer went like this. " I am an EMT none of those old ladies, ever fall with underwear on, two i am a horrible cook, three,there are your shoes  right there!" When i explained to Savannah, " I can make something up and lie to you, so i don't hurt your feelings. I could be a good mom, and sit through the whole program and feel uncomfortable, or i can be straight up honest with you, your 7. I took you to see the Smurf movie today, and i love you. I love spending time with you, but i cannot go to the church again and smell feet, bum, or burnt chilli. I am not willing to subject myself, to watch little kids pick their noses, and sing made up songs about Jesus.It's not who i am, and i have to be true to myself, or i am lying to the big guy up there!" I have been a parent for 24 years, and i have put up with a lot of messed up, gross things. I just cant...i am sorry! I will do anything else for you, short of buying you a pony...please just understand! Don't make me feel bad. Savannahs come back was this. " Mommy you should smell the basement, where the little kids go. It smells like tears and pee. I'm not asking you to go down there, am i?" "Plus,there is only one old lady this year, so it wont smell like bum as bad!" "I have learned a lot of things this year, and i would like to share with you mommy." I say. " If it is something cute like Noah's animals, Jesus making wine, for crabby parents, or the birth of baby Jesus...i am willing to listen, but no talk of torture on a cross! Who would tell a small child about that anyway?" "The church did mommy, and they said God gave his son away to save us, from our sins, because he loved him so much!  At this point i was hot, so i thought... i am going to mess with this kid, for my own entertainment. I ask Savannah is there something you are hiding from me, some sin you committed, besides your messy bedroom. She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, and dodged the question. Then I say, " Savannah I love you so much, i would never give you away to anyone, or let anyone hurt you. If God, was so powerful, why did he not figure something else out?" "Mom, it's like that time when we were at the mall, and i was 5, and you thought i was walking behind you in the store, and i walked away with another family. Then you freaked out and started screaming for me. Then the people brought me back, God brought Jesus back!" Let me state.. that was Molly who walked away with another family, not Savannah.Savannah held on to me so tight, she was afraid of her own shadow. Good luck with passing that off as your experience kid!Tomorrow when the adopted Grandma, and anyone asks..is your mom coming? My child will be brutally honest, as usual. She will explain the reason i am not coming, and maybe they will get a new cook, and some new air fresheners! The child cannot lie! Not even if you suggest she not say anything...She will always say in front of the person involved. " Aren't you proud of me? I didn't mention one thing about _____! Holy Hell!

Dont Touch My Junk

                                                    
Today was the day to sign up, the boys for high school. Two boys doing everything at the same time, is a pain. They wanted to do it alone, without their mommy. I figured why not? I cant even get one of them to brush his teeth, a great learning experience for the critters.No sooner do i drop them off, I get home, i get in the tub, i get a call. "Mom we need proof we have a Doctors appointment, or we cant sign up!" I gave you the phone number, of the new doctor. Do you not have it?" "Yes, but they have to see a card!" I mean, hell i called and made the appointment over the phone! I scream in the phone..."Tell them to go *&%$& themselves, i want a bath!!! Zach says. " Do you really want me to say that to them?" I told him it is probably not the way to start a new year off, at a new school. So i tell them, i will call the doctor who is twenty minutes away, and pick them up, and we will figure this out. Well turns out the doctor is out for the week, the office is closed! Sigh!! So, there was no chance of having information faxed! Is this school trying to kill me? The boys get mad and said, " This is your fault mom" I morph into a crazy woman,  and a squeaky defeated voice comes out! " You said you want a new doctor, because the old one touched your junk too much! I did what you asked of me!" Noah says. " I once went in for strep throat, and she asked to see my privates. It is kind of the wrong end, don't you think? She didn't even look down my throat! I think she is attracted to me, in an unhealthy way. Zach butts in and says, " She doesn't want you.. she was just checking to see if you are maturizing! (<-- thats what he called it.) Then he says, "ummm, so we have a guy doctor now? I don't want no guy to have a handful of my junk! I would rather have the woman touching my privates!" "Noah, what the hell did you do to me? You want some wrinkled up dude, touching your shit?" I scream, "Don't say Shit...Damn it!" Then Noah said, " I have a friend that goes to a guy, and he only asks to look at his piss! I roll my eyes and say,  "So the plan is we are going to call the old doctor, make an appointment with her, and then figure out , just who it is.... that will be touching Your damn shit!" In Unison they scream...Don't say shit! ARGH! We get to the doctors office to pick up the doctors card, from the original junk grabbing doctor. I tell Zach go in and pick them up. He say how do i get there.The kid has been there since he was born!! I tell Noah to go in with him.Noah says," Just great Mom, when we ask for the cards she is going to tell us to drop our pants, so she can examine our junk!" They leave, to go into the building. I hold my head down, and support it with my hand. I am so frustrated at this point.A few minutes later, i look up and see, both boys at the front of the jeep with their pants unzipped!! They smile, give me a head nod, zip their pants up and climb into the jeep. Zach says, "Was that good for you Noah?" Let me just say, this was the most teamwork i have seen in awhile from those two. I give em two thumbs up!!

No Rest For The Wicked!

Darkness falls across the land....The midnight hour is close at hand.... Creatures crawl in search of blood...To terrorize y'all neighborhood.. These creatures are called Wilkintard's, around these parts. I am in such need of sleep. Last night i just couldn't fall asleep. So, I talked to the big guy. Yes, i do this from time, to time. I had about a half an hour talk, about letting go of the past, embracing the future, getting my mojo back. I am at the same place i was ten years ago, i thought i would know what i wanted at this point. Not! God and I also had a talk about the way he messes with me, terrorizes me for his own entertainment. I offered up, some other people that he could use, for these purposes.Oh sweet baby Jesus, after a half an hour, i finally  fell asleep! I must of been asleep for twenty  minutes, before the cat started scratching to get out. Grrrr, when i done a room check for animals, the count was two. My husband and Charlie! I thought i was golden. Let me add, for some reason Savannah has been bunking with us, she has been having bad dreams.The cat got Charlie going, so i had to pin him down and get him back to sleep. He sleeps with us, because that's how i potty trained him.( I could keep track of his potty needs. I had to state that, because Gawd that sounded weird!) I finally get back to sleep, and Mollytard comes in, It is 11:00pm.She whispers in my ear. Can i have a friend over at noon! At this point i freak out!!! She wakes Charlie up and the little shit finds his squeaky monkey...eeeek, eeek, eeek, eeeek! (monkey noise!) I kick Charlie out of the room. At this point I am pissed. I start to go Tina Tourettes , which wakes the husband up.Then he asked me to tell him a story, this is not romper room, geeze!Then he starts talking, and talking, and talking! Finally he gets back to sleep.After we both fall fast asleep, Zach is hanging over my head. He said, " Hey Mom, i took Charlie out and he went Pee! "OMG are you serious? Its midnight! You woke me up for that...get the hell out!" Once again the husband gets woke back up.I decide i might as well go the bathroom, i come back in using my phone for a flashlight and I see that Savannah's much to small princess tent has only her head in it, and her hands look all limp.My heart kind of drops, because when you're half asleep..you freak a bit. I pull it off her fast and there is two black cats inside, with my child s head. She wakes up, i tell her to go back to sleep.Oh my gosh my life is crazy! I fall back to sleep. I am just drifting into that bliss, where you kind of float. I get nudged to hear, " Mom, I think i have a canker sore, do we have medicine for that?" I flip at this point, and scream, " Get the hell out and lock the door Noah! It is now 1:00am." After that i did fall asleep and I wound up having a dream where i had a money tree.Then tap, tap, tap. "Mommy, mommy, it's me Savannah Fate. I had the silliest dream, Molly told me we were Mexican's and my skin was real tan, and then we had a ton of Chihuahuas. They were so cute mommy! " Go to sleep my little Senorita. If you wake me up one more time...I'm sending you to Mexico! Savannah is at her Grandma's tonight and warnings have been given. Now  I'm just waiting on the sandman!

20 Questions (I was asked today)

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1.Molly: Can you get Aids being an EMT?
2. Do you have Aids?
3. Do I have Aids?
4. Did i pass school? How do you know, are you sure?
5. Savy:What is this? Is this something you hook to your boobs, to shock yourself?
6. When i was in your tummy, how did you know i was there?
7. Is Charlie going into heat?
8. Does that make him hot?
9. Noah: Do you even love us?

10. Why don't we get to have a birthday party with pink balloons and go shopping at that frilly, girl place?
11.Did you get us a new doctor?
12. Will the new doctor keep his hands off our balls?
13.Zach: What's for supper, asked at 10am.
14.If i got a girl pregnant would you except my baby? Cuz it would be an awesome cool baby.
15. Do you think i floss enough? cuz the dentist says, i don't!
16. I have an appointment on the 29th of next month, So do you think you will be picking me up from school?
17.Can they still do a C-section, if your not pregnant?
18.If you lifted a whole bunch of weights, will you get man boobs? (O_0)
19.If you pick this mole,i have here... and scratch it, and it bleeds...will i die?
20. ERIC 20 Since i was born blue, does this mean you got it on with a smurf? 

The Sprinkler

Life around this place is a circus. Yesterday i noticed the grass looked dry, and crunchy. I suggested we put out, the sprinkler, and then gave the children permission to run around, and have fun. I was busy putting chemicals in the hot tub. I asked Noah to go ahead, and be the one to handle, turning the sprinkler on. I hear Savannah scream, "Mommy it's hot." I don't bother to turn around, I just say, "Its OK honey... run around, get wet, you will get cool in a minute." Then i hear a shrilling scream, "It's HoT MOMMY!" Then i turn around, and Noah is doing this matrix looking move, with his hands flailing through the air. He gets to his feet and dives through the air, then ends his moves... with a roll.  I then realize, he used the hot spicket, instead of the cold...UmmmWhoops! A few minutes after that fiasco, Charlie squeezes through, the bottom of the fence. The kids, and I are all chasing this bundle of fearless, energy. Noah is diving at him, Savannah is laughing like a loon, and i am screaming, " You are getting a ballsectomy buddy, and when i catch you...I'm doing it today,  with a butter knife!" I had enough! I cant imagine what the neighbors are thinking about us, they probably got a good laugh. Finally the little criminal was caught. I pulled out this doggie kennel, that has never been used. Point to it and force him in, calling him bad! We all go in, and watch, from the kitchen window. He stands in it, turns a few circles,and then plops down. After about 5 minutes, I let him out. He goes in the house, gets a drink, goes back out, and climbs into the open cage and goes to sleep.Then i realized, Charlie is officially a Wilkintard. As i am sitting here writing this blog, Savannah feels bad, she is the only one who doesn't have a friend, over for tonight. So i agree to play spa with her, while i get some computer work done. Let's just make it clear, i am a professional mom, at this point. As long as they are quiet, and i can do what i need to do. I am willing to multi-task. I am also able to block, children sounds out. So i type away, she lifts my shirt up, she has a little paint brush, she is painting lotion on my back. She is rubbing it in, i feel relaxed. This is awesome! Then i hear tape being ripped, and a blow dryer noise.At this point she is quiet, she is happy, and I am happy. After all it is after 11pm. Savannah continues to rub down really hard on my back, with her hands, and then she says" Are you ready?" "Ok, i guess i am," I say, "Sure" All of a sudden Rip!!!! I feel heated, pain. I apparently didn't listen to the part, where i was informed we were playing Wax mommy's back!! Holy Hell, she just asked if i wanted my eyebrows done next. I think i pass!