The Snow Woman

For three long years, my girl and me waited, and waited to build a snowman. We prayed, did snow dances, threw pennies at the full moon, checked Weather Bug constantly. Then finally, we got snow! We ran through the house chanting, " Snow, snow, we got snow, whatcha know, whatcha know!" The family was less then pleased at this display of enthusiasm. Mainly, because both dogs, were howling and crying, chasing us.

 So, being lyrically talent doesn't really run, in the Wilkinson household, we have other talents. Like being able to pee on the ceiling, when we are aiming for the bowl. Like destroying a clean house, in less then 15 minutes. Then there is the most talented one in the family, the King of the Wilkinson Family. He can fall asleep in a matter of seconds, no matter what he's doing. Sad, for me, but true. Ok back to the story.

I thought to myself, hell, this is going to be the biggest damn snowman ever.The best damn snowman in the whole damn land! We shall put it in the front yard, so the whole world can enjoy it. We will become the most famous snowman builders in the whole world.

I try to envision tan, men only wearing G-strings, oiled up, lifting us up, and carrying us through the neighborhood chanting, how amazing we are. No matter how many times I tried to envision these guys,the sun was blinding, my ta ta's were cold, and all I could get in my mind was midget men in oversized diapers, trying to pull us in the orange, plastic sled, Savannah would of out grown, three years ago, if we had snow.

We started to roll the balls. I had this cartoon image in my mind. Perfect round balls, easy peasy. Just roll the ball like a ball of dough and it will magically, become bigger, perfect and round. Instead our balls, looked like a walmart shopper,  in white lycra pants, with big cottage cheese lumps. Our snowman was going to have a weight problem, like the rest of America. It also had grass in the ball, so it looked like a hairy mess. Kinda like my legs looked in the month of December, I loved them damn leg warmers.Why did he make me shave them, they were my damn legs!

This snow person creating is not for the weak. My back was breaking and I almost died. The second ball was done and then, I realized... yeah, I am not going to get this damn belly ball, on the bum ball. So  I did what every wise person would do, I called a man. He was a manchild, but he lifts weights daily. He looks at me, like I was the dumbest person on earth and said, " What is wrong with you? This ball weighs about 15 lbs. you're suppose to pack it after the second ball." I explain, that's not what I seen on T.V. He got all nasty and lifted the ball and said. " I don't get you!" Like he was the first man to ever say that.

He goes towards the house to open the door. At this point we have an audience of neighbor people, watching the muscle man, lift the big boulder, snow tummy. The dogs wind up getting lose, so Charlie winds up running up to the snowperson, he lifts his leg and drenches it with his custom made, yellow, liquid. I was thinking Savannah was going to cry, but she just laughed.

 Soon both dogs were excited over the beautiful, cold glistening snow. They got so excited they start to hump each other. You have never seen anything stupid, like this, until you see a black dog with pink, ponytail bows, humping a male dog. So we have a major, hump session, both dogs are fixed, but they have not lost the urge to try. If we could only bottle up that exuberance, we would be rich!


So after the mini porn show, is over and everyone is done laughing, we move on to the head. At this point in the game, I decide not to roll it and just pack it. I try to make this thing look normal. Savannah is trying to throw snowballs at the yellow snow, to cover the wee. I am just trying to achieve something that looks like a face. We finally get a finished product. Find a scarf, some ear warmers, to cover the fact, the now SHE, has no ears.

We go get the kids, from inside to have them come out and look at our snow women. We know they will be so excited, the only one that comes out is Charlie, he goes over to the snow woman, sniffs and lifts his leg.
In the end....We did it!! We created the most magnificent wonder, a snow woman. We called her Crystal, and she shall guard the house forever....well until the next day, because I made her so big, she was top heavy, like me and she fell over. Now she sleeps, like I wish I could.