I Am Woman I Am Tired!

 I am a woman and I am tired. I have grown eight children in my body, seven successfully. Three of those children have reached adulthood, my job there is almost done. When my life is over, parenting will be complete.The other four, are welcome to leave at any point. I am willing to issue pardons. I am too damn tired for this shit.... I want my person back, I want me back!I want my body back! Hell, I will take someone else's body, preferable someone with a smaller chest!

 Oh my God i am so much work! My nails are done, both on my fingers and my toes. It is March and we have a foot of snow, you know how uncomfortable it is, wearing flip flops to impress people? One of my toes appears to be darkish, it might be frostbite, or the fact I have so many children and a needy husband, named Stan.( I am protecting Rick's identity, by calling him Stan, he doesn't want to be embarrassed.) If I stubbed it, i will never remember.

  I had hairs ripped out of my eyelids last week. Afterwards I had to check and make sure I had skin left in that area. It felt like my face was ripped off. Hats off to the women, with a furry caterpillar living on your face, just laying there from hairline, to hairline. Go you, for sporting that mother, flipping furry thing like a trophy.

 My hair is colored and highlighted. I might have gray, but I will never really know, what is under there. I get it done every two - three weeks, so I dont have to face a single silver, gleaming hair. I dont want to be reminded how old I am. I dont have time to have another nervous breakdown, I am in the middle of one right now. I need to finish this one first. I have hair like a rock star, it weighs 20 lbs and it has a mind of it's own, sometimes I find myself pulling at my hair, thinking my mophead parents, should of never procreated.

  It might look like little mermaid at the moment,but my hair is done. I have a strong suspicion, my hairdresser is taking hits of acid right before my appointment. When Zach seen it, he did a double take and said, " Your hair looks amazing!"  Molly said, " Are we trying to be Carly Rae Jepson now?" Then the husband, who will be called, Biff, to protect his identity, came home and he wouldn't even look at my hair. He acted like he didn't notice, until I screamed, "My hair is the color of fire, dude! Quit acting like you don't notice!" Long story short, he didn't like it.

 The appointment before I had weird yellow streaks, on each side of my head. I got home and the oldest son looked at it , jumped on a chair and screamed " Kill it mommy, KILL IT! I struggled to cover that for a month, I used hair chalk, pink and purple. it was a colorful month. I rocked those damn streaks!

I have not yet wore, even one wrinkle on my face. I know, because I obsessively check every morning. In which time one appears, that shit will be filled with some kind of calk. I stress from time to time wondering, if I am not happy enough, because I dont have any laugh lines, around my eyes. Usually, I get laughed at, I don't do the laughing, humor always hits me later,way after the fact. If I laugh later, the guys with the white jackets will come.  

I have a large wrinkle on the right side of my butt cheek, what the hell is with that? It is plenty fat back there. I spend a lot of time looking at it in the mirror, lifting the upper area of my fat bum up, to see no wrinkle, then dropping it down, the wrinkle is back. I had visions of fat transfer, to make it even. finally I have come to the conclusion, if I ever have to explain to anyone, what that cavernous pit on my ass is,  I will claim it is a wound from the Vietnam war. Then I will be a heroine.

Yes, what I am sporting under my chin is real, only a mentally ill porn star would pay for these. They are smothering, there is no such thing as perky, when they are this size. It's like putting a 50lb ball of bread dough in the palm of someones hand, when they have an outstretched arm. The arm is going to drop. No doubt about it. When I am at my smallest weight, I look like barbie, with her legs cut off at the knee, I am height challenged. When God said get in the line for height, I was talking to someone.... blah, blah, blah and got in the line for boobs a second time. I also, missed the line for common sense, and got a third dose of boobage.
  
Last and not least, to answer the most asked question. Yes, these are my eyes, I tried to steal a pair from the crusty old cadaver, in the college basement, but they were dried out. So, I stuck with mine. One final thought, the only other people in the world that has eyes, the color of mine... is the vampires that glitter and get paid millions for a cheesy love story. I was golden, with my man made eye color, until that movie came out. In the height of the fame of the movie, people would look at me, back up and put their hands on their neck. 

It is very hard to be  a woman...