A FLIP FLOP SALE!

I was yanked out of my bed at 5am, to get my husband's new purchase, a car,6 hours away. We fought all the way there, since we've been together since I was 13, we do this well. If we aren't fighting, better be prepared to check our pulses.

Two things have been decided, from the fight. I have asked him," If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please do not follow me, or find me in our next life, I am so damn tired of you!" His response, FINE!, we are no longer going to die on the same day! Me, OK FINE!!! He always asked will you remarry if I die first? my response, you can't leave me, we will die on the same day, but not NOW! Bastard!

So, I drive my car back, which has been decided is cooler, then his. I know how to work my navigational system. I thought it was sure fire, so I thought.

Three hours away from home, it starts saying " Stay left! Stay left!" OK, lady I've been driving straight for hours. Then out of the blue, turn right, turn right! I miss the toll and my turn, Rick makes it. He leaves me for dead.

I start to freaking panic! I have night blindness from my tour in Vietnam. Two Indians cornered me in the jungle, and shot my right eye out, with an arrow. They almost shot my horse, it was the brown kind. Not the Indians, the horse. The other eye was blown out of my head in 69, but woodstuck was worth it, and so was that weed, in the mother, flipping, defective bong! Damn hippies!

I call Rick he gives me directions, which would be a solid, if I could read the signs! Sigh... I tell him how he let me down, that he agreed to take care of me 26 years ago, he falls to his knees and cries... NOT! No, he doesnt! He already said. " We no longer will die together." :( With his driving, this is yet to be determined.

So I go to another damn toll both, damn Highway works! I tell the guy, with the orange hat, and lazy eye, that looked out left, while his other eye looked down at my breasts.  " Hey, I missed the last toll!

He says, Hello, I think your beautiful. I'd like to stick my penis in you! He reaches down to the ground, hands me a pink paper, that he wrote his number on. Poor guy's eyes are so bad he only gives me three of his digits. 1.50 I scrunch up my face and I say, what????

He says, " 0h, sorry! I said, hold on, my pen is in my shoe. I'm going to write down the toll amout for you! So, I say....so you don't find me beautiful? He gives me a quizzical look, I give him 60 cents, to forget all that craziness and then I slip down in my seat and drive away.

So I find what I think was my exit, but it LIED! I wind up in a wooded area, I pull over call Rick, he tells me to reset the navigational system. I push the button. Say a command....

I say navigation,....she says you can say navigation, climate, address, point of interest, line in, line out you can say help! By saying help, you will receive a list of commands. I say NAVIGATION!  She says, you can say..... I say, F you, you F'n WH*RE! She says, I don't understand! At this point, I'm no longer sane! I bang my head, stomp my feet 10 times!

I start to think, Stephanie she is a computer, you're letting a computer, make you go bat shit crazy. I stop. Deep, cleansing breath. She's not a computer, there is some midget, evil entity in there, with a voice changing megaphone. I know this to be true!

I sigh.... collect myself and I have a text message, I read it. It's Molly. Ohmigawd there is a sale on flip flops at Hollister and she wants my credit card number. Then the phone rings, Noah calls me while standing in front of the refrigerator,  he needs help on finding something to eat.

The decision is made...I'm going to just live here. I have a half, of bottle of water and $5.10 cents. Yet then again.... I have to get home! There is A FLIP FLOP SALE!