The Scary of Parenting!

Well it is October, you want to hear a scary story? Lizzie wasn't scary enough? How about my life? Today I felt great! After two days in bed with migraines I was ready to roll on with life. I figured I would take a walk, not to many days left for that. I told Charlie to get his leash, he obeyed, and we got the hell out of dodge!We went to my favorite place, the cemetery. Don't think i am weird, well i am! It is peaceful out there. I love it out there in the fall. The smell of dead, crunchy leaves, the spookiness, and all the history out there. I like to imagine the changes, over time. The history the place holds. I try to pick up on the horse and buggies, the first cars, the unbearable grief. The imprint each person that is buried out there left in this world. For some people out there all that is left is a stone, since time has flown by.  Not that grief is a good thing, but after i lost my child, it was the only place i wanted to be.When we drove in the car, i remembered 'Charlie is just a bit over a week Post Op.' Maybe he shouldn't be over exerting with stitches in. He also had a hernia repair so i worried about that too. I just figured we would take it slow.... I will walk slow. I get the little bag of turds out of the car, and put him down and he high tails it as fast as he could. He almost killed me! I yelled at him to slow down, but he was like a Search and Recovery Cadaver dog, on crack! I could see him trailing and tracking like our S&R dogs do on the Squad. He was on a mission, he found a fresh grave. He was bent down on his front paws barking...and I could not remove this crazy hound, from this grave! Finally I pick him up and get my ass back to the car, before I have a body to rebury. After that I drive home, walk around the car and pick charlie up, I catch myself bobbing him up and down while singing to him.. in a sing, songy voice. I glance around and hope the neighbors didn't hear me. At this moment i realize...I need a full time job!! I had plans today, but as usual the person I had plans with let me down! So at least I had my dog, cats, and laundry! I wind up spending my day doing domestic shit, which I hate. I finished painting the gourd like things, you know the ones that look like fat penises.  I painted them white, so we cold make the ghosts out of them, one for each, one in the family. When the Turds got home they were told." Participate and do one in your own likeness, our we will take matters in our own hands." Zach choose not too, so he got a ghost with his Bieber hair, blue eyes, and butt checks on the back. Eric decided he should have a tramp stamp tattoo of a snake, with the word JUICY under it. Strangely Zach was impressed. Dad was not here for his, so Savannah took matters into her own hands and he received butt cheeks too! Keep in mind these are in front of our home, for all to see. Dads has a mole on his left ass cheek, sadly everyone knows, because he always moons everyone in the house. We all have pictures of his Lilly white ass, with the mole on our phone galleries. When one of us, is feeling down, we will shoot a text picture message of dads ass out to each other.This is one of the reasons we dont attend places like churches, weddings, etc. We aren't trusted! Nothing like Reaching out and touching someone! Sometimes it maybe while Eric is at work, when i am at a meeting, or when one of the kids are at school. It is all fair game! Sometimes, you get a picture message and while opening it, you grit your teeth. At supper, while talking about what each of us did with our day, Savannah got her gourde of her daddy and said. "Look Daddy, and she turned it around, it even has a mole on it's butt..like yours!" He says . " Nice, but what is that?" She laughs and says. " It is toilet paper stuck in your butt crack!" Daddy was not impressed! That would be my fault! One night he got in my face with his naked ass,to turn the TV on. ( we try to keep frontal nudity out of the home.) We were in the bedroom ourselves. ( Frontal nudity is not appreciated in private either, i dont want that in my face) Long story short. He had TP hanging out of his crack, Yes maybe i put it there, but he doesn't know that. He was very embarrassed! So, every chance i get when the man falls asleep...i tuck toilet paper in his ass crack, cuz that is how i roll! Love me, Like me... I do mean shit for my own amusement! What can i say?? After my day at Krogers, when i took the two youngest girls in and they picked at each other, and the little one cried like a little baby... I seriously almost lost it! Seriously! I hate parents, and children that make scenes. So i hold mine back till we get in the parking lot. These two girls acted like two ass clowns. I wanted to run, but i spent to much time in the store shopping and with a list...like Betty Fucking Crocker! When i got to the parking lot, i let out this crazy ass scream. It kind of went like this. " Kids, Get in the car now!" I count to ten... still pain, anguish, REDFUCKINGRUM!!! I count to ten again and out of my mouth comes the Grand Mama of all time! "MOTHER FUCKER!!!" I look in the car, and both girls are staring straight ahead. They are probably thanking their lucky stars i always park in the farthest parking spot i can find ... for exercise! They knew i was pissed, and yes.. i curse in front of my kids, but if they tried to curse around me...i would hand their asses to them in a picnic basket! We drive home, it's all "Mommy, Mommy....you are the best mommy ever!" I pop a Valium in my mouth and chew the F'ing thing! I sit still, the girls start taking in the groceries ...i slam my head against my steering wheel. I shake my head mumble, begin to Rock back and forth...Then i get a hold of myself and we are all good. Thank you to the man that invented Valium..I LOVE YOU!!! I am brutally, truthfully, honest to you people. If you think one damn person in this world lives this storybook life and your life is Suck! Read this blog again! Parenting is the hardest... most rewarding job there is everyday...JUST NOT TODAY! This blog is not all i would like it to be, it is a rattled version, of my intoxicated ass... that spent some unpeaceful time in the hot tub...with the husband splashing, holding me under water. Point me do the direction of the insanity ward, that was the longest run on sentence ever!! GO ME!!